The dog is the stealing

The Dog Is the Stealing! 😬🐶🚨

We all know dogs like treats, shoes, and the occasional sock. But my dog? My dog is a full-blown, four-legged thief. And I’m not talking about cute little snack snatching. I mean organized, calculated, daylight robbery. I used to say, “He’s too smart for his own good.” Now I just say, “The dog is the stealing.”

It all started with missing socks. One sock here, one sock there—I figured the washing machine was eating them like always. Until one day I walked into the living room and found a secret stash behind the couch: eight socks, two hair ties, a sandwich crust, and my missing AirPods. My Golden Retriever, Benny, sat there wagging his tail like he was showing off a museum collection. I should’ve been mad. But he looked so proud.

That was just the beginning.

From that day on, Benny turned theft into an art form. He’d swipe napkins off the dinner table, sneak off with guests’ flip-flops, and one time he unzipped my backpack just to get a granola bar. I caught him dragging a whole loaf of bread under the bed like he was hiding treasure. He didn’t even eat it—just wanted to own it.

But the real peak came last month. I hosted a little get-together. Everything was going great—until someone said, “Hey, has anyone seen my wallet?” And then another voice, “Wait… where’s my phone?” I froze.

We all started searching the house. I knew immediately: it was Benny.

We found everything—phones, wallet, even a pair of earrings—under his dog bed. He’d made a heist pile. I couldn’t believe it. Benny had executed a party-wide burglary without anyone noticing. I had to apologize, of course, but luckily my friends found it hilarious. One of them even called him the “Golden Retriever Bandit.”

Now, we’ve got rules. Benny’s not allowed near bags, purses, or open closets. But that doesn’t stop him. He’s stealthy. He’ll walk past you all innocent, then BAM—your slipper is gone. He once stole my neighbor’s gardening glove through the fence. No one’s safe.

Despite the chaos, it’s hard to stay mad. He never chews or destroys anything—he just hoards it like a little dragon. Sometimes he even returns the items with a dramatic flourish, like, “Oh, you wanted this? My bad.”

I’ve tried everything: distraction toys, training, even a dog-safe lock box. Nothing works for long. Benny’s just too clever. And deep down, I think he knows we find it funny. He thrives on the attention, the gasps, the chase.

So now we just say it like it is: “The dog is the stealing.” And in our house, that explains everything.